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V.W.O.B. #3: Just like Usher…

February 16, 2010

I too have confessions…

If you’ve met me, and had to talk to me for any extenuated circumstance, then you know I’m a fairly open book. Its mainly cause I like talking about myself, but even with all the self aggrandizing, some of the facts slip through the cracks. Don’t worry you don’t have to wait for the biopic. Little known to most of my contemporary friends, yeah I talk like my friends are art genres, I was quite the winter athlete in my youth. I started skiing at age three, it’s one of my earliest memories. I skied down a flight of concrete stairs into a utility closet at, of all places, Whistler. I went on to do small bouts of racing, moguls, freestyle, big mountain, and also taught the whole time. I actually turned down all my college acceptance letters to move to Lake Tahoe for two years to pursue the dream, it was a mistake, I wasn’t actually that good. But I loved it, and the Winter Olympics were always the ringed games I followed closely. Remember the hernia story from VWOB 1? What does all this narrative come down to, the big admission?

I love figure skating.

There I said it, I feel better. That was always something I was afraid to admit, cause let’s admit, it doesn’t get much gayer than figure skating, especially when you watch it with your mother. That’s like Truman Capote/Andy Warhol gay. Its capital Gay. And while this sounds quite derogatory to my gay brothers and sisters, that’s something Cornel West would say, it isn’t meant to be. Just know that the number one insecurity for young hetero males, is the being gay thing, so although I wouldn’t even care if I actually had sex with a man, the stigma of people calling you gay, still lingers.

But even though it looks gay, remember that these gays are dancing with knives on their feet. So why don’t you redefine gay in your mind.

Now that the confessions are over, we can get to the brass tax. All that’s gone down so far is the couples skating, which is pretty awesome, since its not just dancing with knives on your feet, but you’re throwing and catching people whom also have knives on their feet. Dangerous? Michael Jackson Dangerous. RIP.

So I know very little about the competitors, but thanks to background stories and the correct coupling of music, I instantly fell for the gold medal couple, Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo. They’re Chinese, so they collectively own us, but they’re also adorable, and they’ve skated their whole life together. Now they’re married too, and whichever one is the guy, Chinese names are kind of ambiguous, gets all teary when he talks about loving her. I only saw their short program, but it was flawless, and they were really getting after some big moves. Just remember, knives on their feet. They were so good, that it was obvious they’d win after only seeing them.

The one thing that’s always tragic about the figure skating is the assured outfit disasters and musical coupling. There’s always some horrible lycra flapper looking thing on some Bulgarian  doing a shitty Charleston rendition on a frozen pond. It’s the worst. This years was no different, though the gold medalist kept it classy, there was some neon pink, but it felt right, they looked like they were in a Guangdong nightclub dance-off. Add knives and ice. But the worst, and we can go ahead and say it loudly, the worst, was the bronze medalist, the Germans, Robin Szolkowy and Aliona Savchenko. They should be held in the Hague for what they did, prepare yourselves and your eyes.

Really? You have parents? And you did that? I hope you don’t plan on talking to them again, cause they just asphyxiated on their pride. I know you’re trying to be creative, but this is why your event can also be sold as Disney on Ice. You not only look silly, and the fact that dude’s black, just makes it feel kind of racist. Right? I can’t even pay attention to the fact that you’re doing tricks with knives on your feet, cause all i can think of is the clown outfits, you know the ones you’re wearing. Did Christopher Guest help you guys with wardrobe? I think the only good thing about this, is that you somehow made clowns unscary. BTW Congrats on the Bronze.

In hindsight I’ve realized that this whole thing comes off pretty catty. I think I’ll go ahead and go punch a horse, and relapse, just to remind you guys whose kind of a man.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. dan permalink
    February 17, 2010 7:32 pm

    yo! did you see the skeleton guy in male solo figure skating? HILARIOUS!

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