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V.W.O.B. #4 I told you so…

February 17, 2010

Yesterday I wrote about the figure skating tragedies, not the physical ones, like crashing and tearing cartilage, but rather the outfits and music they play to make sure you hate them as much as you think you do. Lastnight’s men’s short programs did not let us down. Thanks to Dan Carroll for reminding me this guy is alive and allowed to walk or skate our streets.

His name is Kevin Van Der Perren, and he wasn’t drunk when he did this. He’s Belgian, and I’m guessing that there is some kind of retro-active karma that caused that train accident in his country last week. Before you call my last sentence tasteless, look at his picture again, and try not to hate his face. It’s hard isn’t it? He knows too, and he feels bad about it.

The cool thing about Men’s figure skating now, is there’s a whole lot of drama, that you wouldn’t necessarily get in past games. It’s kind of agreed that all the big name skaters are queens, we covered that yesterday, and because of this there’s a bunch of sassitude to drive the point home. I just cried inside when I wrote that. Obviously our two big princesses are Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek, hating each other above, both who should get bravo shows to document their fierceness. I think I heard somewhere their rivalry was the inspiration for Blades of Glory.  Johnny Weir has been big news for the death threats against him cause he wears furs. That’s silly, clearly you should go after his sexual preference. JKersons!!! But really get over it, minks can’t do triple Salchows, not even doubles. And did you know a mink would tear your stupid face apart? That’s true, they’re vicious. Save nice animals, not bitchy razor handed minks.

Back to bidness.  If Johnny Weir is fierce, then Evan Lysacek is ferocious. Dude’s imposing to say the least, and I have no qualms saying while Johnny is kind of adorable, Evan makes me feel a little fragile, like I need to be held. He came out in a Vera Wang costume with feathers, and skated his ass off. Holy shit I just wrote that, I’m gonna buy some beef jerky. Then he did that thing where he was too emotional to operate. I wish I had a moment like that, but all of my dick jokes don’t get the same kind of rise as a quad axle. The whole time the russian guy who took first, Plushenko, sat in the stands and glared. It was pretty epic, but Russians to realize that being the quiet winter sports bullies is very cliche, and that their country is poor and feeble. U-S-A! U-S-A!

My favorite part of all this, is that the Olympics demand a nationalistic fervor to some extent, and especially in our heart land; Americans love to love America. So when you have a sport like figure skating, where almost all the guys are gay, you get patriotic homophobes cheering on flamboyant gay males in the name of the ol’ red white and blue. I think if they accepted the actual conditions of their support, their last heart valve would surrender to the Costco pizza, and explode. God wouldn’t that be fun to watch? That would be an awesome youtube response video. “Wait they’re what?! My chest hurts, take me to the Walmart heart machine.” I hope if they do make the podium together,  there’s some kind of Tommy Smith like fist in the air, since gays like Johnny and Evan are still kept second class citizens in the country they skate for. Or better, it would be cool if they just started hardcore making out, the level of holy shit’s would ring out across the nation like a sonic boom.

I’m excited for the long program, and for the end of Men’ figure skating, so I can continue denying how much I like it.

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