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V.W.O.B. #6 Ketchup…

February 21, 2010

So I said I wouldn’t be doing big summary style blogs to catch up and everything I wasn’t covering, but since I have another three hours here at the Hunter College basement, (I’m running SAT prep courses, yes my career is meteoric, if the meteor were sinking) I’m gonna try and do a stomach-able one to get us all back on board.

What’s the word in Russian for 1st loser?

Okay let’s have at it. Not to beat a dead horse, (what did it ever do to you anyways? took you around the fields and galloped along the hedgerows), but Evan Lysacek spanked Ygeni Plushenko in the Men’s long program. That last sentence could have been a subtitle for their costarring porn. It seems impossible to write about men’s ice skating without sounding gay. It was a good skate, that’s me trying to sound like a dad, a hetero-dad, and it was better watching it enthusiastically while surrounded by NYC tough guys at a sports bar. They were so stranded by the lack of sports that didn’t make them uncomfortable that I think they felt like they’d kissed a dude sitting by me. Guess what tough guys? Your turn is over, half fags like me get all the popular chicks now! I still date high-schoolers, but women my age that go to high-school.

We should boink for America.

America finally came through with some ski results with our two golden children. Let’s thank Eddie Murphy for rescuing them. But seriously, only four years after Bode Miller drank his way through botching Torino, he’s already scored twice with a silver and bronze. And with that pie, he’s scoring a lot more off the slopes if you no what I mean… INTERCOURSE! Also Lindsey Vonn beat the odds by taking gold in the downhill, which is tough, then add a severely bruised shin, and its kind of a miracle. Congrats Lindsey, but all the crying you did at the end, made me kind of hate your supple face and breasts. There there…

Still not fun even with your shirts off.

Every year a lot of people will try and convince you that curling isn’t shuffle board on ice, and about as boring as watching sand, but IT IS. Watch it for one minute, and you’ll catch yourself day dreaming about the typical stress fractures a workhorse experiences, and what the best means of recovery are. That’s not across the board I guess. Even with a plethora of hotties on the women’s teams, there we go misogyny, I still couldn’t watch it. It’s at best, about as interesting as watching girls in swimsuits, bowling a perfect three hundred, and its nothing like that.

Now can we get married?

The Stranger pointed this out last week, but I gotta agree, double’s luge is not only unnecessary, but it’s so gay, its like if high speed gay porn were an event.

Acceptable bling.

Shani’s a bad ass. Nuff said? He wins gold easy, doesn’t want to be part of the US team, and also doesn’t talk to the press much. I like it, black cowboy status.

Charles Bronson is Deathwish.

The only event I watched lastnight was the skeleton, and it for sure lived up to its name. 90 mph, spandex, face first. If you die in this event, no one mourns, they collectively do a told you so type of thing.

Might as well, his life is basically a videogame.

And of course, Shaun White, why spell your first name like that you individual you?, won his umpteenth gold. The “flying tomato” is officially the worst name in the Olympics and America, North America. The worst name in South America is Hernaldo de las Huevos, and that is just from a poll I took in my imaginary spanish language girl’s magazine. But seriously this dude has been crushing it since he ollied out his mother’s sunburnt vijay. HE HAS HIS OWN SECRET HALFPIPE! That’s true, they built him one in the backcountry of Colorado, and that is easily a five million dollar endeavor. The grooming mechanism for a halfpipe is called a “pipe-dragon”, they run about 2-10 million dollars, and they had to get one into the backcountry, where it was secret, so far away. What Shaun, urgh, makes me think about, is how frustrating is must be, to be good, while someone is epically good. There are a lot of really talented snowboarders in these Olympics, but they aren’t the Peles/Jordans/Obamas of their sports, and so their legacy is forever eclipsed. Next time someone says its hard on top, think about the guy right below top, cause he’s working really hard too. Gay again dammit. I can’t hate on Shaun though, cause he seems to be really cool and down to earth, and that’s as down to earth as you can be when you fly around the world in a diamond bladed helicopter made of make-a-wish wishes.

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